a day in the life

A
Day In The Life

The
room is dark and gloomy, all except a light shimmering down the hall.
Its silent,  its a bit to silent the sound of silence in my head
pounding, aching, throbbing.  The silence echos continually bouncing
from wall to wall and back. Thoughts racing everywhere back and
forth,  enough to drive any teenager insane. Cravings, addictions,
cant focus need it, once. Guilt, shame, triggers. Silence growing
louder, its blaring, I can no longer think. Tears, eyes cloudy, and
vision blurred, black dark and depressing, light bright and hopeful,
out of reach.

Mind
blank, clear, now I am thinking straight. Tired, eyes heavy, sleep
soon 2:30am ritual? Eyes tiring tell me bed time, early morning, warm
blankets. Music softly flows threw the room, fills with peace,
lullaby. Soon to sleep. Dreams become reality, temporarily, perfect.
Morning comes, to soon, wake up shower ready for the day, or as ready
as possible. I'm never really ready for the day, floating threw, I’m
alive, right?

The
room seems lonely, yet I'm not alone, not entirely.  The sound of my
aunts voice and the television isn’t enough to bring this room
to life.  The sense of failure slams me, constantly, why try?  Cant
find my voice, want to scream, incapable of speaking.    My stomach
throbs head spinning.  Voices from some where near, far, who? I'm in
my own alternate reality, dreams, crushed. No longer my reality, or
my dreams.  

Minutes,
hours,days pass all for what, to find out it has been twenty minutes.
Limbs throb from pain, regret, shame, peacefulness. I cant help it,
I smile, I laugh, I cry. What have I become, who am i?  12 o'clock,
noon, lunch time. What is the least I can eat with out passing out,
50 calories, 100 calories? Obsession, perfection, starvation.
Disgust, and self hatred, what could I do to fix me, make me perfect.
What is perfection, 100pounds, 110pounds, 120pounds? How do you
describe an opinion as a fact. Why does this matter to me, why cant I
settle for healthy? Why must I try for perfection, skinny.

Music
loud, home alone. Alone? All to often, somebody, anybody, nobody!
Homework, behind, stressed no clue where to start, or if I care
enough to figure that out. Head spinning, thoughts racing. Tears
falling constantly, begging someone, anyone, no one! Quiet again,
amazing how I can pull myself together so you don't know I’m
hurting, broken? You promise things will get better, eventually,
when? I'm holding on, but I’m falling, save me.  How can I
crave something so terrible, atrocious, destructive? 4 and a half
years have I been twisted, harder day by day, impossible.  The
silence I am now hearing pounds in my head, brings tears to my eyes,
and pain to my heart.

8
o'clock pm, the time my family goes to bed. Time to do homework, if I
hurry I can finish before 3, maybe, possibly.  English, chemistry,
then psychology. Quick check, quiz, then test.  A-b great, B-c
average, D-f me! So tired, but so much to do still, but it can wait
one more day. Head throbbing again, pain killers or I wont sleep,
I’ve been warned not to take to many. But whats once more, just
4, no more than 5, then numb, happy.  

1:07am
and still no sleep, sleeping pills, and soft music. My twisted mind
says no sleep, not yet, first fall victim to myself, again. Physical
pain cannot compare to emotional, I switch, I trade.  Quick to fall
asleep, I dream of heaven, then I dream of hell, I dream of things
that could never be described, I never leave my room.  But in my
room, in those hours, I meet angels, demons, friends, and enemy’s.
I could fly away, or I could change the world, but now I latch on,
for fear of waking up, or entering back into this twisted reality.